Lake Woebegon, MN—It’s been an unsettling week in Lake Woebegon, Minnesota as private detective, Guy Noir, was murdered in the Chatterbox Café and found dumped out there on the edge of the prairie.

Police report Noir was in town trying to track down a leggy, blonde’s biological father from St. Paul. Yesterday, Noir was seen meeting with Pastor Ingqvist in the Sidetrap Tap, according to Wally and Evelyn. Ralph reported an “edginess” to Noir, as he bought a pack of Marlboro Red’s and a pint of Wild Turkey at Ralph’s Pretty Good Grocery. Noir was last seen alive by Dorothy in the Chatterbox Café. “He ordered a caramel roll, coffee for the morning, and seemed distant,” said Dorothy. “Oh, I don’t like to gossip, but he carved, This place is like somebody’s memory of a town, and the memory is fading. It’s like there was never anything here but jungle, into the table. Pretty sure some fishing could’ve shaken his blues.”

Dorothy thought Noir left without paying his bill. Police state “Mr. Noir was most likely killed in the men’s bathroom of the Chatterbox Café. Spatter on the walls suggest a sharp object, most likely a knife, was used.”

Noir’s body was found on the edge of the prairie by Clarence Bunsen. While police have not released the names of any suspects, suspicions have turned to the Norwegian bachelor farmers. “They’re great guys,” said Ralph, “but, ever since they started that, uh, non-lutheran church with the motto, death created time to grow the things that it would kill, I just don’t trust them.”