Friends, I am in danger and in need. After watching The Shining and It Follows, I have been plagued by fears and unable to sleep. While my previous reports to the Arkansas State Police about the Shadow Man who lives under my bed only resulted in tactical nightlight support and protective tummy-rubs, I now demand a glass of warm milk.

As per article 2 section 30 of the Arkansas State Constitution:

Pursuant to the needs of elected officials to be well-rested and in sound mind and body, it is incumbent for State Police Officers to protect and serve by providing an environment conducive to a good night’s sleep.

In order to execute the duties of my office, I officially demand a glass of warm milk and a firm, but caring tucking-in. Thank you and good day.