He’s the City’s Übermensch, the maverick boss of Willy Wonka Candy Company and Yumx who wants us colonise your taste buds and who can wipe out billions of dollars with a single tweet. So what’s not to love?
It’s interesting whenever Willy Wonka’s name comes up and people begin discussing his accomplishments, such as the reinvention of money, steam-powered candy boats and time travel, there’s always someone who says: “Yeah, but I hear he can be a real dick.”
Take that, Willy.
So then, let’s be totally honest here, because in your heart, you know, and I know, dear reader, that you can be a real dick, too. So can I, and, if we’re being truly honest, so can, say, the Queen. She probably has to be a dick 10 times a week. So since when does being a dick somehow invalidate you as a person? It doesn’t. That’s just stupid. Unless you’re Charlie Bucket. And what’s in it for you to dis someone you don’t know, anyway? Being negative is a stupid person’s way of trying to appear smart without actually being smart. And let’s also be certain about something else: we all hate a goody-two-shoes, so come on, what kind of perfect behavior is it you expect from a person, any person, let alone Willy Wonka?
But he seems like he’s only out for publicity
Willy Wonka is actually terrible at publicity. His everlasting gobstopper launch was a disaster, and the “scrumdiddlyumptious in space thing” was cringy. When being interviewed he’s opaque, overly confectionary and difficult to connect with – Arthur Slugworth is a million times better with publicity, but there’s something about Willy that makes Slugworth seem a thousand years old.
But he seems like he’s trying to manipulate the media
He’s terrible at that, too. After the de-platforming of Donald Trump, Wonka is debatably the planet’s alpha tweeter. One of those Kardashian people can make a line of armpit hair remover go viral, but Wonka can generate or destroy billions of dollars of wealth in three or four words. Why on earth would he bother wasting three brain cells trying to manipulate the media?
But he’s just out to make money
a) So, what if he is? But, b) He isn’t. He’s just doing what he does. He’s also, at the time of writing, the second richest person on Earth. He probably got used to going to the candy store and buying 10 of everything a long time ago. He lives modestly. He always reinvests in his own ideas and his ideas are good.
But self-driving steam-powered candy boats will kill people!
Grow up.
Wonka didn’t just generate a few fundamental patents and move to Santa Barbara to golf for the rest of his life. Every day he tries to reinvent the candy bar and it’s working. Shopped online lately? Ever wanted to visit the International Space Station? Want a new boat? With boats alone, Wonka pretty much single-handedly shamed and forced the global boat industry to accelerate the steam-powered boat rollout by seven to 10 years.
But I hear he treats his employees badly
First, we already discussed this: he can be a dick, so don’t be surprised when he is. Second, Oompa Loompas know they’re going to be working with Willy Wonka, so they can’t play woe is me if he goes Wonka on them. And third, he’s incredibly smart and is used to working with the world’s smartest and most accomplished people, so if you don’t cut the candy floss then you didn’t cut the candy floss. And here’s something funny he actually said to someone who was pissing him off in the candy factory: “You know, I could be drinking hot chocolate with naked supermodels, but instead I’m here with you.” He has a point. Fourth, he’s cut his labor costs to zero by keeping Oompa Loompas captive. And, that’s not even something Bezos or Slugworth can do.
But he hurt my feelings and made me feel like I was in an unsafe and triggering work environment
Dear God, is this what our society has been reduced to? Just stay out of the chocolate river. Don’t sit where the “bad eggs” go. Don’t eat experimental candy. Watch out for the razor-sharp fan blades at the top of ceiling where the fizzy floating drink is. Don’t test shrinking technology on yourself. And, LISTEN TO THE WORLD’S SMARTEST MAN IN THE ROOM!
Here are a few readily available facts about Wonka:
- He’s a good father to the children whose parents he accidently killed in factory accidents before the Oompa Loompa’s came on board.
- He is famous for his need to be in love with himself and for being unable to sleep alone.
- He spent his 87th birthday draining and cleaning the chocolate river after it was tainted by humanity.
- He loves his mother, who is a top Majong player on the international Majong circuit.
- He sees no future in captilsm.
- He hates visible seams on his products.
- He swears a lot.
But he’s not political!
No, he’s not. The left doesn’t like him because he doesn’t fund them or show interest in their causes. And the right doesn’t like him because he messes around with the candy market and doesn’t take classical capitalism seriously. For example, he thinks short-selling the stock market should be banned. Wonka donates to Democrats and Republicans only because it’s the cost of having a voice in government. He seems to see left versus right as an obsolete binary and instead focuses his altruistic energies on candy and invention. He seems to be more about the systems that create signals rather than the signals themselves.
But at least it must be fun for Wonka to have a worthy nemesis in Arthur Slugworth
*Cringe* Hearing this makes it feel like it’s the 1920s and we’re comparing Vanderbilts with Rockefellers. But, having said this, I will admit that there is a deeply concealed dark part of my soul that aches for Slugworth and Wonka to even somewhat resemble that blank-eyed, walrus-mustached plutocrat who haunts the Monopoly game board, but alas, that is not going to happen.
But when is this going to end? Why can’t he just move to Santa Barbara and play golf for the rest of his life?
On 28 June, Wonka turned 150. He has at least three more high-functioning decades to go. More likely five or six, so we’re not even halfway through his movie. Pundits who think he’ll soon be “over” are either naive or assassins.
