State Senator, Mark Chelgren has a vision. He believes professors at publicly-funded Iowan universities should be voted out of a job by students, based on their student evaluations. While, it’s true that Inside Higher Ed declared “the bill had died in committee;” Inside Higher Ed failed to report that many felt the bill didn’t go far enough. A new bill introduced by State Senator, Gus Hankerson, calls for a highly-promoted tournament of teachers, tentatively called “The Prof Off” at the Iowa State Fair.

“Let me tell you something,” said Hankerson, “the fair’s been struggling and so have our students. They’ve suffered under bad professors making half-a-million dollars a year while going into debt and attendance is low at the fair ever since we got rid of the butter eating contest. Butter sculpting just ain’t the same thing.”

A few events include The Red Tape Escape; Tenure-Track Toss, where contestants hurl their tenure portfolio like a shot put; and the Cow’d Funding Contest, in which professors must gather as much money as possible that’s been attached to frightened cows.

“The main event,” said Hankerson, “will be between the two worst performers. While we can’t have an actual death match due to Iowa Code 707, we will have a showdown in which contestants try to crush the other’s academic ego. The loser, having been disabused of the notion they ‘belong’ in academia will then resign amidst an existential crisis, thus skirting rules regarding tenure and promotion.”

If professors choose not to participate, they will be terminated due to breach of contract. Though some faculty members have voiced concern, others are already training. Said, Dr. Sheila Kaminsky, “this won’t be the first academic ego I’ve crushed.”

The Prof Off is free upon admission to the fair and all ages are welcome.