In wintertime
In wintertime, the carfinally warms along the curveof the driveway as wearrive home.
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December 12, 2021
After the Funeral
I stand on black water, like a navigator at night, maps aglow in lantern light, as the stars wink out one by one. Not sure how well this poem…
October 11, 2017
Satire: The Origin of “So I Wrote A Thing”
In the age of digital media, things have never been so easy to write and share. Your mom might write a thing. Your boss may have written things. Even your slow-witted sibling, upon making a life decision, may decide to write a thing. And once a thing has been written, a thing needs to be shared. And so, I wrote a thing, one says. But why does that seem out of place?
December 17, 2014
New Trend: Sleeping Baby Massage
Beverly Hills, CA—A hot, new trend is sweeping California. After a long day at work or a tough session of crossfit, people across the state are seeking sleeping baby massages. It's similar to hot stone massages, but instead of stones, warm, sleeping babies are placed across the back and head.
August 22, 2014
Neil Degrasse Tyson to Send Ten Golden Records to Favorite Planets or Earth Will Be Blown Up
New York—Contact with alien lifeforms has been received. This morning, a probe containing a golden record of unidentified origin was brought to Earth and deposited in NASA headquarters.
May 20, 2014
Online Quiz Hits Too Close To Home
Cleveland—Indians fan, Rick Dobner, is stumped by online quizzes. “I don’t get it,” Dobner said, “all my friends post these quiz results to Facebook saying what city they should live in, which Walking Dead character they are, and for me, they just don’t work.”
May 20, 2014
Woman Down the Hall Responds to David Gilmour
Yes, I’m down the hall from David Gilmour. Each week students stop by my office with names like questions escaping their mouths. Oates? Atwood? Munro? We’ve heard you teach these things, they say. I nod. Gesture toward a seat. Sit down, I say.
May 20, 2014
“The key lies within the Midwestern brain and the nodules, which rise on the surface of the skull,” said Walsh, an investment banker turned amateur phrenologist. Photo: http://goo.gl/5bmfND
New York Investment Banker Vows to Unlock Mysteries of Midwestern Brain
New York—The Midwesterner: they grow our food and raise our children, but what do we really know of these simple folk from the hinterlands of the United States?
May 20, 2014
Missouri Retrofits Tornado Sirens to Warn Against Threat of Evolution
Jefferson City, MO—Residents of Missouri no longer need to live in fear. A new initiative led by State Rep. Rick Brattin (R) has created an early warning system for residents…
May 20, 2014
Academic Consultant Doesn’t Know Why Professors Won’t Be His Twitter Friends
Boston—Rookie academic consultant, Nick Sileon, is frustrated. After years of working in higher education and blogging on the topic, academics don’t wants to be his friend since he’s become a consultant.
May 20, 2014